Alice is not the only crazy to take herself down unending ending holes. These past few years have been the most ridiculously … I can’t… I can’t even describe them. I don’t want too. I am tired of trying to make sense out of the mess that lead me to jump feet first into a black hold. I was in such a disarray that love was drowned in my putrid imbalance and soul eating unhappiness. Life has a way of either making you , whinny, weak, and unpleasant or strong and obnoxiously persistent. I did not choose the the later. I allowed myself to disappear, to wrap myself in grief, pity, and hate. I allowed myself to behave and to develop into a person I didn’t recognize, I made excuses for the way I behaved, the way I saw things… It was justified. Never allowing for the truth to leak out of the ooze of bullshit.
Lately, it has been too much. I can’t keep allowing myself to tread in these waters. I am tired of drowning and feeling like I can’t breathe. I can’t do it any more. I have to move from the oppression that I allowed to take me-I need love. I need happy. I need light. I cannot say that I am totally over everything that haunts me but the place that I will begin to redirect, will be with my teaching and my relationships.
I have never been able to connect to people as well as I would like. I am weird… I am awkward… I can’t communicate well, unless it is written down-and let’s be honest, that is NOT everyone’s love language. The misshapen verbiage and convoluted ideas that emerge from my mouth, can keep me sitting in the corner afraid to speak. Articulation is not my strong point.
BUT I am in a place now, where the convergence of the two must be smooth and worked out. My work family… my friends…
I believe that God places us where we will grow the most, strengthen, and be used well. We just have to be aware that that is the plan and not wallow in the situation. My entire adult life, I’ve gone with the flow, had ideas here and there, put effort into where I am. … what I am … Sometimes not seeing the validity, the why… Well, seeing it… but not really “feeling” the why.
I have done well in my life… Great recommendations at work, wonderful relationships with the kids, good relationship with my kiddo, friendships. I was lacking though. I never felt connected. I “clicked” with people. The relationships that I have carried through the years are with those that are special enough or gracious enough to see through my weird.
I cherish those people and places. I ache for them. As I grow older and reflect more, I realize just how much I yearn for the small times, the laughter, the frustration, the hugs… and just how much of that time is spent in my classroom. How incredibly special that place is. How blessed that area, that energy, those people are. My calling-it is not a job or a career- is in that room. My God, has placed me there and I am failing my God when I wallow. When I make excuses. When I allow the frustration to take over. I cannot do this!
I think, God knew that I was getting to the point that “auto-pilot” was taking over. After Caleb and Lauren’s deaths, the move across the country, the sadness… I was ready to leave the classroom. I was ready to take on a “no thought, no effort” job. I lost the why. I was working for money, to pay the bills, …. I was not active in my calling. I squandered those moments that are meant to be cherished. I allowed the negativity to eat me whole. I , ME, MYSELF, I shamefully allowed this.
Well joke’s on me… God always wins out. I am in a place now, where the WHY is front and center. The LOVE of the classroom, children, learning, each other is so apparent, so felt, so craved, so pushed, so ACCEPTED that it cannot be denied. For awhile, I thought how shameful of you to allow yourself to fall into that “bad place” , how weak of you. But! Let’s be honest, we all need our “Brother’s and Sister’s in Arms” to HELP US.
THANK YOU Dear Lord, God Father!!! I have been gifted the most AMAZING group of people and kids to work and grow with. One in particular has stood out. This person crawls inside my head. They have helped me-made me- back away from the excuses, helped me place that “care” back into my classroom. They have made me FACE the BS and WORK through it. Not sweep it under the rug, hide it, WORK through it. Sift through the “extra’s” and focus. Slow down and do with INTENTION! Provided me feed back, guided me to where I can make sense of things, helped me find that need and love of research again. Proven that DATA does indeed show patterns. That our kids we teach are not just numbers, they are HUMANS in our care and under our influence. They have pushed me to bring back the JOY of learning. For anyone that will argue that those around you do not matter. I will infallibly and emphatically challenge and say, YOU ARE WRONG!! This person and the others around me are BLESSINGS. God has put ME in the care of these people so that I can benefit, grow, and learn through and with them. It is not enough that we put the material out, it is our calling and COLLECTIVE goal to push as many of our kids for THEIR benefit.
These people, these moments, the laughter, hugs, frustrations… Are saving me. They are putting me back together. They are cherished, loved… I am growing again. I am learning and pushing myself to be BETTER, not complacent. I am still awkward and strange. But I have a home again. I am learning my WHY is the most important thing, that INTENTION is a requirement, to value everyone that has stood beside me and still loves me, I am feeling contentment. Rabbit Holes are fun but there is a time and place for that. They are not meant to be lived in; places with love and hope are. I AM GRATEFUL!