Since last writing, the boy had completed his PhD, I completed my first teaching practicum, and A is speaking to us in FULL and COMPLETE sentences. This is a huge blessing and a curse at the same time as you can’t lie to her or umm treat her the way you would a normal three-year old. She is so smart! Not to mention how incredibly amazing she is!! My love!

We went through Christmas at my parents house, were snowed in for a week, and had an overall good time.  We are now sitting at home and waiting on the ice storm to hit. If it does, we’ll be snowed in for a couple of days here. I am glad of it! I am not ready to start classes yet. I am soon to write a review of Harry Potter. We have reread the books over the holiday and re-reading them has been a pleasure!

S

I have read all her books before but had done so over a VERY long period. I read my first one in HS and that was oh … well, let’s just say a while ago. I read From Potter’s Field on the recommendation of my teacher -who also told  us that we had to have a note for the librarian telling her we were allowed to read from the “restricted” section- I don’t remember a thing about the book.  Glad I ordered the books that I do not have….

I have been reading reviews about these books and Cornwell and find that I am very sad to see that many of them are negative. After 20 some odd years, her books have changed. I don’t know, YET, if it is for better or worse. I want to read them all again and then make a decision. I have however noticed several differences in the way she used to write and the way she writes now. For example, the 1st couple books are written in 1st person-more up to date books have the “omnipresent’ narrator and allow the characters to come to the front when called. Cornwell also spent more time on the actual case of a specific book when she first began the series-epic-etc. Her books now are somewhat focused on the crime and the details but the character’s and their issues now seem to dominate the novels.

This could be for a number of reasons. She has gotten to know her characters better and thus allows them to insert their thoughts and specialties on the crime. And because as human beings, our “outside” life over flows into our “work” life. With each new situation that comes up, the characters are effected and behave as such. Cornwell’s uncanny ability to understand and adequately express her characters development is AMAZING. We get to see how each of the characters grow and change into the character that is now presented to us. She has developed each of her characters(main).

I have to admit that after reading the last three in the series and the first, the second book in the series is a bit more dry and I find myself ABLE to put it down. This doesn’t mean that it is a bad book per se. It simply means that you can only read them in short spurts. Reading the whole series all at once without a break is probably not going to happen (Twilight it did happen) but it will remain my subject of choice until the series is once again read.

Rereading something is also a compliment to the series, I think. If someone has read something once but finds it entertaining enough to reread it, there is value in what they are reading. I look forward to new releases of the Scarpetta series and am hopeful that it will hold my attention as the other books have.

The first encounter readers have with Hope is with her having been slapped across the face by Lucas. Readers automatically feel for Hope as under any circumstances, acts of violence committed by a male character against a female character is deplorable. The feelings of sympathy for her here is justified but feelings of sympathy for Hope are quickly lost as readers delve deeper into the story. Readers find her  self-centered, conniving, insecure, and dangerous. One student reader (2007) from Amazon.com’s review list states that “Hope angered me throughout the entire book”.

Hope is the “it” girl-mainly popular with the boys. Lucas and Cady both seem  enamored with her. Cady, because she admires Hope’s confidence, beauty, and capability to make a guy “memorize and categorize Hope’s every inch” (p.92) and Lucas, much like Cady, because of Hope’s physical appearance. Her dimension comes from her insecurities that produce fits of jealousy. Hope is not as confident in her self-image as she appears. On page 167, Hope explains that “she had to look good. It was a par of who she was”.  Her insecurities are the cause of Hope’s dislike for Cady as Cady inadvertently attained Lucas’ attention and is naturally at ease with her self-image.

Dower provides readers with the rational as to why Hope feels that she has to depend on her looks to fit in. Hope’s family “was not a family that liked to hangout at home with each other. This was a family who looked for the next great resort” (p.167). This leaves Hope wondering if she has missed out on the close family ties, like those of Cady’s family, but most often was content with being able to travel and attain new things. Because Hope does not have a support system, she is not able to and value intrinsically as value in her family is based on extrinsic attainable things. Carlson and Corcoran (2001) argue that this leaves children with a great sense of insecurity and longing. Children such as Hope, try to find ways in which they may present themselves as put together and ways to compensate for the feelings of isolation. Hope not only relies on her looks to fit in, she also uses them to have power over other individuals. By having such control, Hope is also able to maintain a certain level of control over her life: “Lucas was Hope’s source of power these days, whether she felt like seeing him or not” (p.169).

When Hope feels as though she is loosing control of a situation, she uses whatever means necessary to regain that control. For example: Hope becomes upset at the back to school party when she finds that Cady there. Hope feels insulted at the host for inviting Cady because she is above individuals that run in Cady’s social circle. Hope’s anger is furthered by the fact Lucas is has shown only Cady attention. This is the impetus for the plot.

Hope’s issues with insecurity and control are exemplified in several different scenes where she physically hits Lucas. Chapter 13 takes readers to the beach where Lucas and Hope are on a date. Hope’s demeanor is angry and unpleasant because the weather is cold and she had rather be somewhere else. Hope tells Lucas that she wants to tell people about the two of them and to her surprise he does not take her seriously. Hope then proceeds to further goad Lucas by telling him she is surprised he had not brought Cady into the conversation. Hope is using Cady as a power play because she wants Lucas to reaffirm that he only wants to be with Hope. However, due to her being overly insecure, regardless of Lucas telling her he is in love with her, Hope tells Lucas that she doesn’t want to be with him. By doing this, Hope feels as though she is “make(ing) Lucas pay” for being to close to Cady and not putting her first (p.126). The break up leads to an argument and Hope biting Lucas. In a later chapter, Hope slaps Lucas in the face several times as well as throws picture frames and breaks a mirror because she found out that Lucas and Cady had been playing music together. Hope also starts crying uncontrollably when Lucas becomes upset at her, causing Lucas to feel bad he caused her to cry. By crying, Hope diverts attention away from the fact she physically hit another human being and threw someone else’s belongings and puts the center of attention back on her.

Hope’s need for control doesn’t only encompass Lucas; it extends to Cady as well. When Hope becomes aware of Lucas’s attraction and amount of time he spends with Cady, she decides that she too will befriend her. Hope, after breaking up with Lucas, continuously offers Cady advice on how she should feel about Lucas.  She isn’t doing this out of true friendship but because it allows her to keep power over Lucas and influence Cady’s opinions. In chapter 18, Hope’s instability is directed at Cady as she attempts to confide in Cady. Hope and Cady walk out of play practice and Hope breaks down into tears. This is startling as readers have not experienced emotions other than anger or narcissistic behavior, nor will it be displayed hereafter. Cady tries to help her friend by talking with her but Hope is still secretive about RUNN4U; Lucas. Hope describes her relationship to Cady as a “boy getting the wrong idea” (p.87). As Cady hastily departs from Hope, leaves the reader with “so much done and so much left to do” (p.88). Such a statement leaves readers wondering if Hope’s breakdown was feelings of honest fear and overload or if it was part of her overall plan to keep Lucas a secret and have other people feel sorry for her. With the reputation of Hope throughout the book, it feels more like a strategic plan to keep her reputation as victim with  Cady, keeping her power over Lucas as she keeps punishing him, and Hope the center of attention.

Cady

Cady Sanchez voices 14 chapters and is written as the sweet, confident, musically inclined, naïve girl. The last line of the book, chapter one, describes Cady’s actions and motivation throughout the entire novel: “The only thing Cady could do now was wait for Lucas. And see “(p.243).  Cady accepts Hope’s sudden interest in her as nothing more than the two being in a play together and naïvely watches Lucas become tense and upset when Hope ignores him or he sees her with another guy. She never makes assumptions that Lucas is lying to her when he says he doesn’t know Hope or contributes the relationship to the fact that he is growing increasingly introverted or distant. Out of the three main characters, Cady is the most stable. She has been accepted to the college of her choice, comes from a typical nuclear family, and responsible. Her sense of responsibility is depicted on page 88 as Hope tells Cady about how she is having a break down due to her stalker and Cady interrupts her so that she can be on time to meet her music teacher.

Cady is the most static character in the novel, as mentioned above. Her emotions may vary from small burst of anger or frustration at Lucas to worrying about her music. Cady’s moment of realization or change is when Lucas is taken out of the prom for hitting Hope. However, because of the abrupt end and lack of resolution, Cady is left in her usually state of waiting on Lucas.

Lucas

Lucas Wheeler moves to his new high school and instantly becomes popular-winning Chesterfield’s hottest senior guy. Lucas’s dimension is a little more defined than Cady’s but he too, is lacking. He moves from Boston with his father because both of them are running from the death of his mother. The death of his mother has greatly affected the way that Lucas functions. It is also one of the reasons he is drawn to Cady, she reminds him “of his own mother” (p.219).  Readers are given an unjustifiable characterization of him as they are introduced to him as he slaps Hope in the face.  Although, this action is not acceptable, it is also an uncharacteristic action for Lucas. Lucas, as previously stated, is also fascinated and enamored with Hope. Lucas is not sure what it is about Hope that makes him drawn to her. He felt that “deep down, he knew Cady Sanchez wasn’t just anyone” (p.154). His attraction to Hope comes from his need to have someone with supposed confidence, has the appearance of being emotionally stronger than he, and the ability to be physical with him. There are several situations where Lucas and Cady are physical but never to the point of having sex. He and Hope however, share that kind of relationship. After Hope breaks up with him, his character turns from the sweet kind Lucas to one that becomes increasingly introverted and grouchy. His change in mood can be directly related to the fact that everyone in his life that he has cared about has left him. His father has become a recluse and offers Lucas no support due to his mother’s death, his mother was killed in a car wreck that he survived, and Hope left him because she was self centered and insecure. His incessant calling is slightly disturbing but he is looking for answers for why he was left by the only person that can give them to him. Hope’s selfishness and need to lord over Lucas is not only cruel but psychologically damaging. Lucas’s inability to see past the fact he was left by someone he loved again, leaves him missing out on a true and strong friendship with Cady. Sadly, it is not until he is pushed to his breaking point at prom that he realizes that Hope was not good for him and that Cady would have been the better choice.

From other posts, it’s not hard to see that I, too have been swept up in vampire mania. *I was swept up in vampies and witchies, ghosties, etc since I was 8, so I am no poser* My latest addiction is the  Vampire Diaries.  I first discovered this on CW because I was procrastinating from my daily chores and academic work. I started watching it, thinking it would be cheesy and yada yada yada… In fact, it was pretty good. Not to mention the entire cast is EYE CANDY-the whole show should be done with the leading gentlemen half-naked!  Sorry-totally off topic.

ANY WAY.

When I stared watching these, I had no idea they are based  on a book series. I found them while doing a google search for more T.V. episodes. To my surprise, the author allowed part of the first book to be published online for readers to enjoy. Well, all but the last couple chapters. So, after reading it, I was hooked.

This series, as said, is for Young Adult readers-but honestly, if you’ve read HP or Twilight, you can read this. The story line is about a set of Italian brothers that meet and fall in love with a mysterious sweet young lady that is visiting.

*Extended stays were customary in the South and I suppose all over the globe at this point. In the South this resulted in the monstrous houses that were built as whole families would “Visit” for months*

The young lady suffers from a “disease” that will only allow her out in sun for periods of time. Both brothers fall in love with her and she with them. Stephan and Damon tell her that she must decide which of the two she will marry. Both has been told she is a vampire or rather that her disease calls for the consumption of blood. The level of acceptance here leaves me to believe that she only gave half-truths due to the description that Stephan gives about Katherine’s “condition”.

Any way, At this point of the story, the good vs. evil is really exposed as Stephan tries to restrain from having sex with Kathrine because they are not married and he wants to keep to his values but she convinces him otherwise as she tells him she has chosen  him. She then turns him and moves on to Damon. Damon also loves Katherine as deeply as Stephan but is not as inclined to maintain values or tradition. The boys find out that the other has been given Katherine’s gift and end up “killing” each other-this completes the process of turning into a vampire in this series.

Katherine, distraught over the fighting pretends to kill herself, leaving the boys to hate each other and fill themselves full of guilt over her turning herself to the sun. This sets the premise for the rest of the book and the boy’s relationship. The rest of the book is based on Stephan moving into a town that has a girl that looks just like Katherine. He tries to stay away from her but the normal boy meets girl story kicks in….,  Damon is the antagonist and add in witches, coming back from the dead, a visit from the real Katherine, spirit humans, and you have the rest of the novels.

I honestly liked these books. They were a great way to escape the daily life craziness and I read them with as much zest as I did Twilight.

**** Twilight is still my favorite****

Ok, let me rephrase that. I am on the last published one and have about 100 pages or less to finish but can’t seem to make myself do it because of how angry I am with this story. (PROOF of a good story, right? If it can elicit emotions, the author has done their job) It has the sweetness of Twilight as well as the action. It doesn’t have the same amount of melancholy or melodrama that Twilight has and the characters do not seem to evolve in the most logical sense. They are somewhat hollow. Also, the CW show does not have the same story line as the books-as with most from book to screen things.

Her character development is a bit odd as I stated above and yesterday. She seems to have left a lot of them very hollow and then the “supporting” characters seem to be more developed than the main characters. Stephan and Damon are not telling the story either. Their history is just the back drop to things. Elaina -Katherine look a like- is the narrator and goes from being a shallow “it” girl to an emotionally stable, selfless being. The author tries to convey this transformation but leaves it unfulfilled. And   although, Stephan is one of the main characters, it seems as though he is the most developed. I guess as writers there are favorite characters and those characters get special attention. I also liked this series simply because of how honestly different it was. Although, sometimes lacking in depth, it is different!

S

Is it because I haven’t been to church in such a long time or the fact that I am educated-Sociology/Anthropology can really mess a girl up? Is it the fact that I am being told to get back in tune with the G man and because of that I am pushing away? Sadly, the whole idea of G seems stupid if you look at all the scientific debunking of the mystical Bible. Religion is a societal thing that is used to give morals values hope, to explain away the unexplainable…. I catch myself praying and then just stop because I feel so stupid doing it. I don’t want to feel this way and don’t know why all the sudden I do. So if you look at it that way, the purpose in life is pretty empty. I mean what is the purpose if you are not to serve your fellow man and contribute to their betterment in some way? Everything we do is tied into another human being…. We teach history so that we can’t make the same mistakes or pay tribute to those that have been unjustly hurt, we teach literature and grammar so we can communicate, we teach math so that we can understand our society and frankly so we can tell each other how much something is/was….

Send me some good Karma, prayers, positive thoughts, whatever!! I need to get worked out……………

S

What a great opening, huh?

Wellp, the big moving date is nearing us. I find myself excited to be moving home to GA but honestly, WV has grown on me. It’s gonna be a hard move. I have found that the older I get, the less of an adaptable creature I become. *maybe this is evolutions way of riding the world of old people???) When we moved here from GA, I had problems leaving my family but not “leaving” per se. Now, I am having an incredibly hard time wanting to leave this place regardless of the fact it’s closer to family and friends.

Perhaps part of my reluctance is because I am leaving with my thesis unfinished? I have not been able to touch the thing in MONTHS and this is really upsetting me. I have the responsibility of not only taking care of the baby but packing the entire household (aside from hubby’s office), cleaning the house, doing the daily things, trying to find time to do the thesis, not being able to sleep, and whatever else falls on my head because the boy thinks all he has to do is go to work.  He is truly a great and wonderful man but can be very selfish. *SIGH*

I honestly need a vacation. WITH A NANNY!

My brain just totally flat lined here……………………………………………………………………………

So far I have almost everything packed away. There are a few odds and ends that I need to get in boxes… I need to get boxes come to think of… Why is it that the little things are the things that take the longest to box ??? I have a drawer in the kitchen that is the “junk drawer” and for the life of me, I can’t decide how to pack it up. Or how do you pack blankets?  I mean honestly. It’s not like I haven’t done this before. Is it the lack of sleep that has made me into a walking puddle of stupid? Me hopes so.

The place we are moving to in GA seems to be OK. I really do not have an opinion on it ATM. All I can say is that it is UGLY and HOT. It looks like the “swampy” parts of a beach that has lost it’s water;leaving behind nothing but scrubs and sand. The hot part I don’t mind so much it just really worries me with my angel baby. Everyone says she’ll get used to it… Maybe but until then, I DO NOT CARE THAT SHE WILL GET USED TO IT! It’s the time in between her adapting and not being adapted that worries me.

I do not want to have to start a new program but I am going to. I won’t touch on this topic as it uncovers more things I need to get off my chest but want to have a good day to day so I will leave all those things buried for now.

*SIGH*

S

Ok.. so it’s been awhile, yes? My life as of late has consisted of sitting for hours in front of a stupid computer working on stupid masculinity CRAP! (yes, the thesis) I mean honestly…. so what, your stuff is different from mine but buddy, you want what I got I want what you got… can’t we come to an agreement to respect each other? Because frankly one with out the other is kinda boring! Is it really so hard to under stand why women are leaving their men for other women?? It’s not all a mans fault he acts the way he does either… Get over it ladies, your at fault too. Help them know it is ok to be caring, affectionate, loving, devoted, and still be seen as manly… Yes my fellow chics, we are the makers of our own misery.

Misery… Speaking of.. So yeah… I decided after the surprise of my BEAUTIFUL AMAZING LOVING GOD GAVE TO ME TO SAVE ME daughter, that I wanted no more children for a very long time… if ever…

So, what’s the point to this ramble you ask? There are at least 5 women that I know that have had or are going to have either their first or their 2nd child… I gave deserving congratulations and was super excited that it was not me having another baby. However, today, I found out that one of my very good friends is expecting her 3 baby. I found out and i bawled like a baby. I was grief stricken. I mean… I really don’t understand it. At that point I was so sad that I Can’t have another baby, or at least right now because of current life situations. So does this mean that I want more children now and have been kidding myself about it? Or is it because I’m pissed at life due to the circumstances I am in?

I look at my BEAUTIFUL LOVING AMAZING GOD GAVE TO ME TO SAVE ME daughter and wonder if I’ll ever love anything as much as her but I’ve always wanted more children. I HATE being pregnant and there are other reasons that  I do not dare post for fear of “eyes” reading this… I was in a word, extremely surprised by my reaction.

Life *shrug*.

That was all of 10 minutes ago.

In the last two weeks or so I decided I would give my worry to God and know that he would take care of me. At least I thought I did.

Any one that knows me knows that I am a very sensitive person. I cry easily at others hardships, I get my feelings hurt if someone teases to harshly, I try to never say anything mean to others. I want to set a Christian example and obey God and to give my daughter a “road map” as to how she should behave.

Over these supposed “surrendered weeks” I have grown to be extremely sensitive, edgy, anxious, and emotional. Although I wanted to turn my worry and hardship over to God, I realized that I had not. I was still worrying about things that I could not change, worrying about the move that we are about to make, the guilt of continuing my education instead of trying to pursue a job, and the state of my thesis. Even now when I think of all these things, I get the familiar pang of “oh, gosh what are we going to do”.

I have been trying to read Guideposts daily guidepost books on a daily basis to help keep my faltering faith on track . I have been dealing with spiritual issues for the last couple  years and this year has become a very hard year for me. I  have tried to put it into words so that I can explain it and even understand it better. I suppose my problem is how can someone say they follow Christ but their actions are the total opposite of what Christ taught? I feel myself needing answers that are composed of more than “because I said so”.  I know that somethings do have to be taking with an understanding of faith but there are things that I feel HAVE a historical/Social connotation to them and need to find out how these things apply to my life at this point in time.  Any way, for those who have never picked up a Guidepost, the entries are dated and start off with a Bible verse and are followed by “testimonials”  from individuals and end with a small prayer.

Let me share the verses that I have read for the following days:

Return. O My Soul, to your rest: For the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. Psalm 116:7

May he give you the desire of your heart and make all you plans succeed. Psalm 20:4

So do not worry, saying : What shall we eat? Or What shall we drink? Or what shall we wear? For the pagans run after all these things, and  your Heavenly Father knows that you need them. Matthew 6:31-32

WHEN I AM AFRAID, I WILL TRUST IN YOU. Psalm 56:3

Is there a recurring theme?

Sitting and readin this morning, I knew that my extreme sensitivity was due to nothing more than me worring about things that I can’t change or control. I keep telling myself that I have to worry over these things, I can’t walk around life not worring about things that are important. BUT I guess the phiolsophy that I need to take is that do what you have to do to prepare for the situation, do what is nessisary to accomplish goals, and KNOW that God will take care of  us. Half the battle in life is learing to trust, obey, and listen. I don’t know how much louder God could have been screaming at me to let go of my fears and worry. I know that I will not be able to let them go totally but this is my flaw and I must work on it. I will try each day to trust a little more in God and to know that he will take care of me and my family.

I am reminded of this every day. No matter what situation my family has been in, everything always works out: our move to WV, the birth of our daughter, the fact my husband was able to get a job… We are blessed!!!!

There has been a lot of changes since the last post. The emotional sentiment posted in the last post is pretty much the same.  We went through a week of extreme stress and chaos and although it has settled down a bit, the stress is still there and chaos is soon to follow.

The boy had 3 on campus interviews: 2 in GA and one in WV. He took one in GA! I am super excited to be getting back home. We will be 3/4 hours from our family, depending on traffic and there will be 4 def hours from our good buddies.  We will also be an hour from the very first place we lived when we got married many moons ago, Macon Ga. This excites me to no end as many of my “undergrad” friends are still there and they are the folks I keep up with the most. AND there’s the Cherry Blossom festival that goes on every year that I have dearly missed.  I am hoping that Columbus proves to be as dearly loved as Macon was. The weather there is similar to Macon and I LOVED IT. I LOVED everything about Macon… Well almost everything but what I didn’t love had nothing to do with Macon, it had to do with situations that were very difficult for me to deal with. Being that close to those situations again makes me edgy.

Any way, I am starting to feel pretty stressed and scared about this move. There are so many things to consider when moving. For one, we now have my sweet precious angel baby. I have to find a SAFE/GOOD/CLEAN place for her to stay during the day while I am working and going to school (PLEASE GOD LET ME GET IN). We have to find a safe place to live that we can afford. We have to move and moving with DH is like falling into hell. On top of all this, I have to work my ass off to get my thesis done.

GAH…

That is something that annoys me to no end. I can’t put all the blame on my chair as there have been issues that have come up in my life that have kept me from being able to finish up things but his inability to get back to me about meeting times/paper comments is ridiculous. A MONTH to get back to me about a 4 page memo… COME ON MAN READ THE CRAP AND TELL ME WHAT YA THINK! It’s hard for me to complain to him too. He has kept me floating in the program and has gone to bat for me thousands of times… SO I guess I have to suck it up and go on and work my arse off!

I need a cuddle…

And then of course when I start feeling like this, I tend to get really irritated with my mother. All these feelings are not her fault but they are feelings that I associate with her because of the way I grew up. She usually elicited the feelings when I was growing up so now I equate them  to her as an adult.  It’s good that I know this so I can deal with it appropriately and grow personally.

I need therapy…

I need girl time…

I need to feel close to my husband…

I HATE FEELING INSECURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really hate it when other people pass judgment on me when they have no room too. For example. I had to go into a graduate program that funded me. Boy said I HAD to or I couldn’t go, thus I took soc. I was accepted to the Education program here in WV but they didn’t offer money so I had to turn it down. So I took Soc  planning to finish MA and get PhD …  DH finishes his PhD and that means that I have to go to work too… Does this make sense? Was this part of our plan?? The entire time he was “Supporting” my goal to get PhD… he was lying. So when baby came I decided that I would go into ed and get a degree/certification to teach so that I can be with my baby girl as often as I possibly could and could start working asap. I’d get pretty good pay and benefits. Hubby didn’t like this idea for a while but pretended to support me.  He was super mad at me because unless I went into Social work ( a job that I am not cut out to do) my Soc degree was a waste of time and money (direct quote from DH).

He and his grandmother both let me know that I was acting just like his uncle (didn’t graduate from PhD program and was kicked out of university, never had a real job before and he’s in his 40′s so decides to go into Ed to teach math) HOW THE F does that describe me?? I’ve always worked, I have completed EVERY degree I have set out to complete or will have completed them all. Unless I am to work at Wal-Mart with an MA, then I have to get a degree to teach.

I get pissed off at the “yes, I support you and what a good job you’ve done” to my face and then “you worthless lout, you better get a job because you’re wasting money”.  If DH had decided to do this, he would have been met with TOTAL support from all sides, no questions asked.  *SIGH*

I am tired of carrying around guilt. For once I want to feel like I have a say in my life and that I am not the cause of stress or burden. *SIGH*

Done….