Searching for Reaffirmation

It’s been a very long time since I have written in here. Since, we have moved to GA, bought a house, bought a dog, getting ready to move into our new house, started new job-hubby, and started classes. Somewhere in there I have managed to get myself EXTREMELY confused about God.  I am at the point that I do not know where I stand on the existence of God, that Church is not really my thing, and get really pissed off when people send me those lovely little “have you been saved — are you going to hell” messaged on FB or I get pretty irate when my MOTHER starts in on me about going to church and how it is my responsibility to take my daughter.  NO CRAP. *SIGH*

Is it because I haven’t been to church in such a long time or the fact that I am educated-Sociology/Anthropology can really mess a girl up? Is it the fact that I am being told to get back in tune with the G man and because of that I am pushing away? Sadly, the whole idea of G seems stupid if you look at all the scientific debunking of the mystical Bible. Religion is a societal thing that is used to give morals values hope, to explain away the unexplainable…. I catch myself praying and then just stop because I feel so stupid doing it. I don’t want to feel this way and don’t know why all the sudden I do. So if you look at it that way, the purpose in life is pretty empty. I mean what is the purpose if you are not to serve your fellow man and contribute to their betterment in some way? Everything we do is tied into another human being…. We teach history so that we can’t make the same mistakes or pay tribute to those that have been unjustly hurt, we teach literature and grammar so we can communicate, we teach math so that we can understand our society and frankly so we can tell each other how much something is/was….

 

Send me some good Karma, prayers, positive thoughts, whatever!! I need to get worked out……………

S

The date is nearing….

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *beats head on table* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

What a great opening, huh?

Wellp, the big moving date is nearing us. I find myself excited to be moving home to GA but honestly, WV has grown on me. It’s gonna be a hard move. I have found that the older I get, the less of an adaptable creature I become. *maybe this is evolutions way of riding the world of old people???) When we moved here from GA, I had problems leaving my family but not “leaving” per se. Now, I am having an incredibly hard time wanting to leave this place regardless of the fact it’s closer to family and friends.

Perhaps part of my reluctance is because I am leaving with my thesis unfinished? I have not been able to touch the thing in MONTHS and this is really upsetting me. I have the responsibility of not only taking care of the baby but packing the entire household (aside from hubby’s office), cleaning the house, doing the daily things, trying to find time to do the thesis, not being able to sleep, and whatever else falls on my head because the boy thinks all he has to do is go to work.  He is truly a great and wonderful man but can be very selfish. *SIGH*

I honestly need a vacation. WITH A NANNY!

My brain just totally flat lined here……………………………………………………………………………

So far I have almost everything packed away. There are a few odds and ends that I need to get in boxes… I need to get boxes come to think of… Why is it that the little things are the things that take the longest to box ??? I have a drawer in the kitchen that is the “junk drawer” and for the life of me, I can’t decide how to pack it up. Or how do you pack blankets?  I mean honestly. It’s not like I haven’t done this before. Is it the lack of sleep that has made me into a walking puddle of stupid? Me hopes so.

The place we are moving to in GA seems to be OK. I really do not have an opinion on it ATM. All I can say is that it is UGLY and HOT. It looks like the “swampy” parts of a beach that has lost it’s water;leaving behind nothing but scrubs and sand. The hot part I don’t mind so much it just really worries me with my angel baby. Everyone says she’ll get used to it… Maybe but until then, I DO NOT CARE THAT SHE WILL GET USED TO IT! It’s the time in between her adapting and not being adapted that worries me.

I do not want to have to start a new program but I am going to. I won’t touch on this topic as it uncovers more things I need to get off my chest but want to have a good day to day so I will leave all those things buried for now.

*SIGH*

S

What’s wrong with me??

Just a side note: Forks Washington has 131 days of sunshine… Morgantown, WV has 133…. NOT much difference except in temperature.

Ok.. so it’s been awhile, yes? My life as of late has consisted of sitting for hours in front of a stupid computer working on stupid masculinity CRAP! (yes, the thesis) I mean honestly…. so what, your stuff is different from mine but buddy, you want what I got I want what you got… can’t we come to an agreement to respect each other? Because frankly one with out the other is kinda boring! Is it really so hard to under stand why women are leaving their men for other women?? It’s not all a mans fault he acts the way he does either… Get over it ladies, your at fault too. Help them know it is ok to be caring, affectionate, loving, devoted, and still be seen as manly… Yes my fellow chics, we are the makers of our own misery.

Misery… Speaking of.. So yeah… I decided after the surprise of my BEAUTIFUL AMAZING LOVING GOD GAVE TO ME TO SAVE ME daughter, that I wanted no more children for a very long time… if ever…

So, what’s the point to this ramble you ask? There are at least 5 women that I know that have had or are going to have either their first or their 2nd child… I gave deserving congratulations and was super excited that it was not me having another baby. However, today, I found out that one of my very good friends is expecting her 3 baby. I found out and i bawled like a baby. I was grief stricken. I mean… I really don’t understand it. At that point I was so sad that I Can’t have another baby, or at least right now because of current life situations. So does this mean that I want more children now and have been kidding myself about it? Or is it because I’m pissed at life due to the circumstances I am in?

I look at my BEAUTIFUL LOVING AMAZING GOD GAVE TO ME TO SAVE ME daughter and wonder if I’ll ever love anything as much as her but I’ve always wanted more children. I HATE being pregnant and there are other reasons that  I do not dare post for fear of “eyes” reading this… I was in a word, extremely surprised by my reaction.

Life *shrug*.

Morning Coffee

I am sitting here staring at a this page wanting to write but at the same time not wanting to write.

That was all of 10 minutes ago.

In the last two weeks or so I decided I would give my worry to God and know that he would take care of me. At least I thought I did.

Any one that knows me knows that I am a very sensitive person. I cry easily at others hardships, I get my feelings hurt if someone teases to harshly, I try to never say anything mean to others. I want to set a Christian example and obey God and to give my daughter a “road map” as to how she should behave.

Over these supposed “surrendered weeks” I have grown to be extremely sensitive, edgy, anxious, and emotional. Although I wanted to turn my worry and hardship over to God, I realized that I had not. I was still worrying about things that I could not change, worrying about the move that we are about to make, the guilt of continuing my education instead of trying to pursue a job, and the state of my thesis. Even now when I think of all these things, I get the familiar pang of “oh, gosh what are we going to do”.

I have been trying to read Guideposts daily guidepost books on a daily basis to help keep my faltering faith on track . I have been dealing with spiritual issues for the last couple  years and this year has become a very hard year for me. I  have tried to put it into words so that I can explain it and even understand it better. I suppose my problem is how can someone say they follow Christ but their actions are the total opposite of what Christ taught? I feel myself needing answers that are composed of more than “because I said so”.  I know that somethings do have to be taking with an understanding of faith but there are things that I feel HAVE a historical/Social connotation to them and need to find out how these things apply to my life at this point in time.  Any way, for those who have never picked up a Guidepost, the entries are dated and start off with a Bible verse and are followed by “testimonials”  from individuals and end with a small prayer.

Let me share the verses that I have read for the following days:

Return. O My Soul, to your rest: For the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. Psalm 116:7

May he give you the desire of your heart and make all you plans succeed. Psalm 20:4

So do not worry, saying : What shall we eat? Or What shall we drink? Or what shall we wear? For the pagans run after all these things, and  your Heavenly Father knows that you need them. Matthew 6:31-32

WHEN I AM AFRAID, I WILL TRUST IN YOU. Psalm 56:3

Is there a recurring theme?

Sitting and readin this morning, I knew that my extreme sensitivity was due to nothing more than me worring about things that I can’t change or control. I keep telling myself that I have to worry over these things, I can’t walk around life not worring about things that are important. BUT I guess the phiolsophy that I need to take is that do what you have to do to prepare for the situation, do what is nessisary to accomplish goals, and KNOW that God will take care of  us. Half the battle in life is learing to trust, obey, and listen. I don’t know how much louder God could have been screaming at me to let go of my fears and worry. I know that I will not be able to let them go totally but this is my flaw and I must work on it. I will try each day to trust a little more in God and to know that he will take care of me and my family.

I am reminded of this every day. No matter what situation my family has been in, everything always works out: our move to WV, the birth of our daughter, the fact my husband was able to get a job… We are blessed!!!!

Newness

SOOOO…. It’s been a long time, huh?

There has been a lot of changes since the last post. The emotional sentiment posted in the last post is pretty much the same.  We went through a week of extreme stress and chaos and although it has settled down a bit, the stress is still there and chaos is soon to follow.

The boy had 3 on campus interviews: 2 in GA and one in WV. He took one in GA! I am super excited to be getting back home. We will be 3/4 hours from our family, depending on traffic and there will be 4 def hours from our good buddies.  We will also be an hour from the very first place we lived when we got married many moons ago, Macon Ga. This excites me to no end as many of my “undergrad” friends are still there and they are the folks I keep up with the most. AND there’s the Cherry Blossom festival that goes on every year that I have dearly missed.  I am hoping that Columbus proves to be as dearly loved as Macon was. The weather there is similar to Macon and I LOVED IT. I LOVED everything about Macon… Well almost everything but what I didn’t love had nothing to do with Macon, it had to do with situations that were very difficult for me to deal with. Being that close to those situations again makes me edgy.

Any way, I am starting to feel pretty stressed and scared about this move. There are so many things to consider when moving. For one, we now have my sweet precious angel baby. I have to find a SAFE/GOOD/CLEAN place for her to stay during the day while I am working and going to school (PLEASE GOD LET ME GET IN). We have to find a safe place to live that we can afford. We have to move and moving with DH is like falling into hell. On top of all this, I have to work my ass off to get my thesis done.

GAH…

That is something that annoys me to no end. I can’t put all the blame on my chair as there have been issues that have come up in my life that have kept me from being able to finish up things but his inability to get back to me about meeting times/paper comments is ridiculous. A MONTH to get back to me about a 4 page memo… COME ON MAN READ THE CRAP AND TELL ME WHAT YA THINK! It’s hard for me to complain to him too. He has kept me floating in the program and has gone to bat for me thousands of times… SO I guess I have to suck it up and go on and work my arse off!

I need a cuddle…

And then of course when I start feeling like this, I tend to get really irritated with my mother. All these feelings are not her fault but they are feelings that I associate with her because of the way I grew up. She usually elicited the feelings when I was growing up so now I equate them  to her as an adult.  It’s good that I know this so I can deal with it appropriately and grow personally.

I need therapy…

I need girl time…

I need to feel close to my husband…

I HATE FEELING INSECURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really hate it when other people pass judgment on me when they have no room too. For example. I had to go into a graduate program that funded me. Boy said I HAD to or I couldn’t go, thus I took soc. I was accepted to the Education program here in WV but they didn’t offer money so I had to turn it down. So I took Soc  planning to finish MA and get PhD …  DH finishes his PhD and that means that I have to go to work too… Does this make sense? Was this part of our plan?? The entire time he was “Supporting” my goal to get PhD… he was lying. So when baby came I decided that I would go into ed and get a degree/certification to teach so that I can be with my baby girl as often as I possibly could and could start working asap. I’d get pretty good pay and benefits. Hubby didn’t like this idea for a while but pretended to support me.  He was super mad at me because unless I went into Social work ( a job that I am not cut out to do) my Soc degree was a waste of time and money (direct quote from DH).

He and his grandmother both let me know that I was acting just like his uncle (didn’t graduate from PhD program and was kicked out of university, never had a real job before and he’s in his 40’s so decides to go into Ed to teach math) HOW THE F does that describe me?? I’ve always worked, I have completed EVERY degree I have set out to complete or will have completed them all. Unless I am to work at Wal-Mart with an MA, then I have to get a degree to teach.

I get pissed off at the “yes, I support you and what a good job you’ve done” to my face and then “you worthless lout, you better get a job because you’re wasting money”.  If DH had decided to do this, he would have been met with TOTAL support from all sides, no questions asked.  *SIGH*

I am tired of carrying around guilt. For once I want to feel like I have a say in my life and that I am not the cause of stress or burden. *SIGH*

Done….

eh..

I feel completely and utterly drained today. I just had to get that out.

Live like you are dying

I have developed an unnatural clingyness to my baby brother and sister.  As kids we didn’t get a long very well. I attribute this in part to the fact my mom and dad HAD to work, so as the eldest child… I had to stay at home and “watch” them. All this aside, I think that my brother and I have some kind of psychic connection.

A couple days ago I was sitting in our modest little car waiting on my boy to get off work and happened to catch Tim McGraw’s “Live Like You Were Dying” on the radio. I usually don’t listen to country but for some reason that day I did. The day had been kinda weird to begin with. We’ve been under a lot of stress and pressure waiting on job responses so we’d know where we will be this coming fall, writing our respective documents, *GAG* daycare. But I wasn’t “feeling” it like I normally do. I’d pushed it all under so far that I refused to feel it. *not healthy I know*

As I sat there listening to this song, I started to bawl. I try to live every day like it is my last. I like material things but don’t hold on to money as though it is the only thing to live for and don’t cry over things  I “want”. I get more joy out of hearing from family and my close friends than I do a new handbag. I could sit all day long and hold my daughter or play with her. Although, my boy and I have some pretty rough spots, I adore him and never go a day without touching him.  I have gone through things in my life that have made me realize how delicate and how passing life is. I love with all I am and am extremely tender of other people’s feelings.

The song made me stop and think of all the things I have in my life that beyond amazing.  I sat and thought of all the ways I have been blessed. I have food, nice clothing, jewelry,… My FAMILY has more than enough. Everything always seems to work out this way. It makes me sad for those people who get caught up in things that don’t matter. Why would you wait to live until you “started to die”? Why wait to tell someone you love them until you might lose them? Why wait to praise God for being faithful? Why not help make someone Else’s day better?

I have never asked God to give us “money” or even dreamed of having more than what I have had at the time.  Sadly, recently I found myself fantasizing about winning the lottery or wondering what it would be like to not have to worry about money and bills. But you know what, I wouldn’t be me. I wouldn’t appreciate the things I have in my life if I had everything taken care of for me.

Then I started to think about all the people in my life. I have a pretty big family and each of those people have held a specific place. My grandmother had a cancer scare last summer. I thought I was going to lose her. She and I , like my brother and me, have a connection. I promised I’d never take her for granted again… I haven’t called her in a couple weeks *Hangs head in shame*.  God and God alone brought her safely out of her operation and the scare. Just as he did when my siblings wrecked their cars. My sister rear ended someone and my brother T boned someone. My sister, I was O.K. about. Scared, yes… But my Gosh… when I found out that my brother got hurt… I cried. I couldn’t help it… I cried.  I knew he was O.K. but my heart broke.  I guess because I moved away from home at 18 and missed watching my sister and brother grow up has made me feel guilty. I wasn’t able to go to the hospital when he had to go. I didn’t get to go to his honors ceremony for HS. I wasn’t there when he got his first car. I wasn’t able to watch my sister get her first college degree. I feel that I haven’t been able to love them like I should be able to. I worry that they don’t know how much I love them. (This goes for all those in my life as I can be kind of reserved about things)

The reason I say mi hermono y yo are connected is because after we got home that afternoon he had posted something about how his car wreck made him feel and how he had been thinking about dying. He decided that there is a “bucket’ he wants to “fill” before he considers being ready to die. I think this is a wonderful idea. I think if more people set aside time to decide what is important to them and how they want to live before they die or start dying, we might have a better world. If people wouldn’t wait to live until they are dying or lived like they were, would we see a change in the way we treat each other? Would divorce rates go down? Would our economy be as bad as it is now? *THANK YOU JESUS MY BOY HAS A JOB* *GOING HOME TO GA GOING HOME TO GA* What would our world be like if we appreciated things in the here and now and not in the then and to late?

Christmas has once again come and gone…

And this year I say, THANK GOD!

You know, it makes me really sad to say that. I usually really really love Christmas time. I love the sounds, the smell, the season in general… This year… NO. Why?? Who knows. I usually start listening to Christmas music in July (all year to tell you the truth) and have all my shopping done before we make the big trip down to GA. This year?? Nope, not so much. This year I was still scrabbling to shop when we got there and still need to send off one gift. The beautiful photo albums I was so excited to make for the grandparents were being put together the day they were given and only a handful of Christmas cards were sent out. I had planned on making my dear friends husband homemade cookies and candy but that went down the doodie hole. Instead this sweet man got BOXED CANDY! *cries*

I didn’t get to spend any time with this wonderful friend and her husband and that made me hysterically mad and upset. Family obligations stink and then getting sick every time you turn around is far worse than family obligations.

It could be that I didn’t enjoy this season like those of past because of being so blessed busy. Baby, thesis, and boy…. Three days or so before we were to leave to go to GA I got EXTREMELY sick and then got a sinus infection the very day after I started to feel better. When we get to GA, the boy, the angel baby, and myself all got sick again. (yes dear friend.. I know we should expect this as it happens every year. Can I not wish it wouldn’t ???)  SOOO… that cut out  J&M time and left me dealing with a sick little one while feeling like nasty poops.

It could also be that the weather in GA was very warm. Much to my liking but on Christmas day, we were in short sleeves and crop pants. My little sister also wasn’t there a whole lot and my brother has been consumed by WOW.  Although I did get to spen a lot of time with him and he with the baby girl, I still missed my sister.

It could be the stress that my family is under right now. We have to find a job and ever time we go home we realize that we want to be closer but understand we have to take what we can get due to the economy.  This is something I won’t get into at the moment because it brings up a whole other can of worms that I am not ready to deal with yet.

Here comes the part of this blog that should have it’s own page. I am so very thankful we had the money to eat, drive down, give gifts, and so very thankful that my health and my family/friends health is such that we didn’t have to spend it waiting on Hospice to come visit. I am so very thankful for the opportunities that God has given us. I am thankful for my daughter’s health, that she is so healthy and vivacious. Thankful for the fact boy has had several on campus invitations. I am THANKFUL!

Holiday travels SUCK!

So this year at Thanks Giving we traveled to see family. This is nothing odd. Since moving to the arm pit of Hell, we’ve done this and have a great time.

This year however was not a very pleasant trip.  We get a call the night we are suppsoed to see said family telling us that one of the children is sick, they are taking her to the doctor and will call us back to let us know what the doctor says.  Calls back says kid is fine. We go.

We arrive at said family’s home to find tension so thick you could cut it.

Reason: head of house hold waiting on tenure review, kid sick, like  everyone else strapped for cash, and HH can’t deal with stress or children well.

We go in to find that we will eat every meal out (not good for our pocket book) turkey day will be held at our honest to go FAV relatives house. We meet brother of uncle. So far so good.

Nighttime: Baby girl and mommy crash. Sleep pretty well. Next day other cousin gets sick with stomach thing and uncle is sick too. Due to one car in their family, we take uncle to doc, we wait an hour for him to get out.

Next 2 nights and days: baby girl won’t sleep and the stress in the said environment is wearing on mommy. HH is not being nice to mommy asking NONE OF YOUR FREAKIN business questions and making mommy feel like she should be doing something other than watching the baby while daddy sits on butt. *had mommy doing dishes one day before baby was finished eating and then wanted to yell at mommy because baby girl was going into living room with Pbutter sandwich while daddy was on baby duty*

Thanksgiving day: Mommy exhausted *and getting sick* daddy doesn’t help mommy at all with baby. Mommy pissed. Daddy redeems self next day and takes baby for a while.

We leave to go home. GLORY BE TO GOD~ (tons left out and omitted due to personal nature of issues of said host family)

Get home: Mommy, daddy, bean tired but glad to be home. Daddy sick with cold and on the next night mommy gets sick with stomach thing and has to have 3 bags of fluids the next day, the day after has to take baby and self to doctor for z-pak.

Moral of hell week: NO MORE TRAVELING TO said family’s house for TG.

A review

Sorry to disappoint, this is not a Twilight post. Although, I do have several of them floating around. I just need to put them down on here. I have yet to see the movie and my dearest friend (JEN) was supposed to go see it and as a result… I am waiting on her to tell me how it was.  Sadly, she is away for a while… *LE SIGH*

ANY WAY, this past week has been total HELL! My body is fighting against me when it comes to the sleep department. I am running on a total of 18 hours for last week. My daughter has decided that head banging is the way to relieve her frustrations and my husband… well.. we won’t go there.  During one of little one’s head banging sessions, she torn her lip from her gum. (She also bruised her head to the point we were afraid to take her out in public.)

“Flash back”: Mommy is lacking in sleep and daddy isn’t helping out. Time for baby’s nap. Baby is rubbing eyes but doesn’t want to nap. Mommy puts baby down any way. Mommy and baby fight about it for 45 minutes. Mommy gives up and let’s baby “cry it out“. Baby is crying for “momma” but mommy ignores her thinking this is just another fighting attempt to get out of taking a nap.  Baby goes to sleep. Mommy is happy for a little bit of rest. Mommy goes to check on baby and notices that there is blood on the sheets. Mommy feels sinking feeling in tummy. She turns over baby to check on her. Her face is covered in blood. Mommy starts to feel sick and shake. Baby’s white turtle neck is COVERED in blood. Mommy almost throws up. Mommy grabs baby out of the crib. Runs her into the living room to check her out. Baby is awake now and laughing and smiling. Mommy pulls clothes off baby,checks body and  checks baby’s mouth (mouth injuries produce an enormous amount of blood due to capillaries found in the mouth. So the injury might not be very serious itself but the amount of blood is a key factor) : finds a bruised tongue, busted lips, and a bruised chin. Mommy starts crying and daddy yells at mommy, telling her she should have been watching baby better. DADDY DIDN’T GET OFF HIS ASS TO CHECK ON HER EITHER but it’s mommy’s fault, making momma feel worse. Mommy takes baby to doctor (after having to listen to a hateful receptionist tell her she was being silly) to find baby will be fine. Doctor’s told mommy that because we have an intelligent child that she gets extremely frustrated when she can’t communicate what she wants (UMM DOC, WE KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS BUT NOT TAKING NAPS IS NOT OPTIONAL!!!! SHE’S HEADSTRONG AND HAS A BAD TEMPER AND HER FATHER BEAT HIS HEAD ON STUFF!!!!!! HUMMMM……..) So they suggested that we make her wear a helmet. Great idea, if she will wear it and what about the growth of her hair?  The doctor also said until her mouth heals, to give her what she wants…. *SIGH* *end flash back*

I was so upset with myself. I should have been there to answer her “momma”. I know that that is silly because she needs to learn to sleep on her own but the feeling of not being there when she needed me makes me so ill. BUT she is O.K. now and is happy as can be.

What really mad me made after is her dad… O.K……

ARGGG *rolls eyes*

He works and then comes home sits on the computer or whatever it is… he doesn’t really deal with her (NEVER given her a bath, doesn’t feed her, put her to bed, grudgingly changes a diaper if I ask.) *He’s more worried about making money and how much money and how well recognized he can become and how well he can please his faculty members or achieve something his other classmates haven’t or how he will please his grandmother and over come the achievements of his aunt than he is is about me or his daughter. THERE IS A REASON SHE DOESN’T PLAY WITH YOU OR LET YOU HOLD HER FOR  A LONG TIME!! THERE IS A REASON IT’S ME SHE IS DEPENDANT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A REASON SHE CRIES WHEN YOU PICK HER UP* BUT wants to tell me how to take care of her. I AM WITH HER 24 hours a day!!  I KNOW how to take care of her. He tells me ” you just need to be more attentive”.

I almost went to jail.

My angel is my Number 1!! Even when tired and frustrated, she is what makes my life wonderful and worth living, what makes me want to get up!!!

Any way off my box, other than her beating her head, I feel like I am making progress on my thesis! Thank God. Life is good! I’ll be doing another book review shortly. I was able to put Twilight down and read a different book: Water Witch.   Did I like it? NO, NO NO NO. The basic story line would have been good if the loose ends were tied up. It was messy. There was too much information left untouched. It might be good as a movie but the book wasn’t good! I can’t even review it properly… BAD.

S