Vampire Diaries? *SPOILERS*

I decided that it has been a while since I put my two cents in the literary world-for better or worse. Over the next couple moths I will be reading a lot of YA novels and thought that this would be a good place to put how I feel about them down.

From other posts, it’s not hard to see that I, too have been swept up in vampire mania. *I was swept up in vampies and witchies, ghosties, etc since I was 8, so I am no poser* My latest addiction is the  Vampire Diaries.  I first discovered this on CW because I was procrastinating from my daily chores and academic work. I started watching it, thinking it would be cheesy and yada yada yada… In fact, it was pretty good. Not to mention the entire cast is EYE CANDY-the whole show should be done with the leading gentlemen half-naked!  Sorry-totally off topic.

ANY WAY.

When I stared watching these, I had no idea they are based  on a book series. I found them while doing a google search for more T.V. episodes. To my surprise, the author allowed part of the first book to be published online for readers to enjoy. Well, all but the last couple chapters. So, after reading it, I was hooked.

This series, as said, is for Young Adult readers-but honestly, if you’ve read HP or Twilight, you can read this. The story line is about a set of Italian brothers that meet and fall in love with a mysterious sweet young lady that is visiting.

*Extended stays were customary in the South and I suppose all over the globe at this point. In the South this resulted in the monstrous houses that were built as whole families would “Visit” for months*

The young lady suffers from a “disease” that will only allow her out in sun for periods of time. Both brothers fall in love with her and she with them. Stephan and Damon tell her that she must decide which of the two she will marry. Both has been told she is a vampire or rather that her disease calls for the consumption of blood. The level of acceptance here leaves me to believe that she only gave half-truths due to the description that Stephan gives about Katherine’s “condition”.

Any way, At this point of the story, the good vs. evil is really exposed as Stephan tries to restrain from having sex with Kathrine because they are not married and he wants to keep to his values but she convinces him otherwise as she tells him she has chosen  him. She then turns him and moves on to Damon. Damon also loves Katherine as deeply as Stephan but is not as inclined to maintain values or tradition. The boys find out that the other has been given Katherine’s gift and end up “killing” each other-this completes the process of turning into a vampire in this series.

Katherine, distraught over the fighting pretends to kill herself, leaving the boys to hate each other and fill themselves full of guilt over her turning herself to the sun. This sets the premise for the rest of the book and the boy’s relationship. The rest of the book is based on Stephan moving into a town that has a girl that looks just like Katherine. He tries to stay away from her but the normal boy meets girl story kicks in….,  Damon is the antagonist and add in witches, coming back from the dead, a visit from the real Katherine, spirit humans, and you have the rest of the novels.

I honestly liked these books. They were a great way to escape the daily life craziness and I read them with as much zest as I did Twilight.

**** Twilight is still my favorite****

Ok, let me rephrase that. I am on the last published one and have about 100 pages or less to finish but can’t seem to make myself do it because of how angry I am with this story. (PROOF of a good story, right? If it can elicit emotions, the author has done their job) It has the sweetness of Twilight as well as the action. It doesn’t have the same amount of melancholy or melodrama that Twilight has and the characters do not seem to evolve in the most logical sense. They are somewhat hollow. Also, the CW show does not have the same story line as the books-as with most from book to screen things.

Her character development is a bit odd as I stated above and yesterday. She seems to have left a lot of them very hollow and then the “supporting” characters seem to be more developed than the main characters. Stephan and Damon are not telling the story either. Their history is just the back drop to things. Elaina -Katherine look a like- is the narrator and goes from being a shallow “it” girl to an emotionally stable, selfless being. The author tries to convey this transformation but leaves it unfulfilled. And   although, Stephan is one of the main characters, it seems as though he is the most developed. I guess as writers there are favorite characters and those characters get special attention. I also liked this series simply because of how honestly different it was. Although, sometimes lacking in depth, it is different!

S

Split-splat-Fizzzzzzzzzz

I woke up this morning from sleeping just a few and I mean few hours.  Wee one decided to go to bed around 9 and then sometime in the morning-after 12- got in the bed with us. I got up put her in and then woke up to find her BACK in bed with me and her little body wrapped around mine. I LOVE that but at the same time, I NEED SLEEP FOR THE LOVE OF HOLY THINGS! (Are there such things?)  Any ways, after I downed my 3 cups of coffee I got an energy surge. I was so excited: gonna do my “to do list”, put the laundry up, clean off my desk, read, knit, make bread, clean the kitchen, put baby down for nap…. list goes on. BUT as quickly as it came I hit the ground again and now am energy FLATLINED. GOOD LORD (is he for real?)

Keeping my word.

SO, the holiday’s once again have come and gone… Broken record, right?

This holiday though was a nice one. It was stress free and I got to spend a lot of time with both sides of the family and with our best friend.  Which brings me to why I am even doing this, I made a promise to him that he would complete a goal and that I would. My goal was to keep this stupid thing updated so that I can get rid of some of my stress-SOMETHING I’ve been telling him to try.

For the last couple weeks, I have had this horrible weighed  down feeling. It makes me tired and achy and just plain crappy. I know it has a lot to do with DH’s transference of stress. It’s not like I don’t have enough of my own but dear God he has it and it is passed on to me. I hate it. I hate that he is so darned moody and hateful and when things don’t go his way I am the one that is to blame or gets the bad end of the stick.  I really don’t want to finish this either because I don’t want to deal with how it makes me feel but because I harp and poke and Best Friend, I guess it’s only fair that I deal with it.

I hate the fact that I have to walk on egg shells because I never know what is going to set him off. I never know how bad it’s going to get. I hate hearing the things he says to me. Yes, I know he’s human but not everyone lives this way. It is not just because I am an anxious person.  I have turned into one. I keep what I really think and feel hidden because I don’t want to fight or frankly am scared to fight/argue.  I hate hearing the harsh hateful words out of his mouth.

I am not stupid, lazy, or sorry. I work my ass off in school and at home so that I can  help give back to our family. my responsibility to OUR family is not just financial. Something I don’t think you understand. Why in God’s name do you want more children when you don’t play with the one you have. I know you get tired but do you not understand you will never get the time with her back? I DO NOT WANT MORE! I cannot emotionally or PHYSICALLY do it. I am so tired and worn out all the time. And then you ask me why. You want to know why I get upset at her when I fight with her for 3 hours to go to bed. Do you honestly think you’re the only person that gets tiered? I mean really? Do you think you’re the only person who has stress or problems? I am sorry that my program of study is an F’in JOKE. Everything I have ever done has been a JOKE to you. Nothing I have ever been a part of has been important or great or successful. Only the things you do. Frankly, Sir. I AM TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT YOU! You ask how I am and then turn your ears off. I try to talk to you and you don’t listen. My heart is worn out. It is sore and sad. I used to adore the ground you walked on- only saw you. ONLY YOU. Now, you’re here and I love you,  yes. Would I marry you again… I donno… I hate the way you make me feel inadequate. I hate that you expect home made meals and a clean house and clothes. I hate the fact that you never say thank you  unless you’ve hurt my feelings and think it is then that I need to know how you feel. Sometimes, I wish I could leave so I could feel some relief. I do not want our daughter to ever question that you love her and not what she can be in the eyes of others. What is wrong with you? Maybe if I put a dollar bill on my face I’ll have value then? Doubtful

Sad am I not?

Such is life. Some days are not as bad as others. Some days I am not worn out and I see things differently, some days I even feel light. Today is a mixed day. I have to leave my precious little one alone with DH and I worry he won’t watch her or play with her. Some times, I wish I could leave a camera around so I could see how he is with her.  Then again, I might have to leave him after seeing it….

Ok, this is about all I can take right now. I am gonna go clean up and read while my home made bread is being made!!!!!

Life is good, don’t get me wrong. Sometimes… you just gotta get the crap out on the table!

S

Searching for Reaffirmation

It’s been a very long time since I have written in here. Since, we have moved to GA, bought a house, bought a dog, getting ready to move into our new house, started new job-hubby, and started classes. Somewhere in there I have managed to get myself EXTREMELY confused about God.  I am at the point that I do not know where I stand on the existence of God, that Church is not really my thing, and get really pissed off when people send me those lovely little “have you been saved — are you going to hell” messaged on FB or I get pretty irate when my MOTHER starts in on me about going to church and how it is my responsibility to take my daughter.  NO CRAP. *SIGH*

Is it because I haven’t been to church in such a long time or the fact that I am educated-Sociology/Anthropology can really mess a girl up? Is it the fact that I am being told to get back in tune with the G man and because of that I am pushing away? Sadly, the whole idea of G seems stupid if you look at all the scientific debunking of the mystical Bible. Religion is a societal thing that is used to give morals values hope, to explain away the unexplainable…. I catch myself praying and then just stop because I feel so stupid doing it. I don’t want to feel this way and don’t know why all the sudden I do. So if you look at it that way, the purpose in life is pretty empty. I mean what is the purpose if you are not to serve your fellow man and contribute to their betterment in some way? Everything we do is tied into another human being…. We teach history so that we can’t make the same mistakes or pay tribute to those that have been unjustly hurt, we teach literature and grammar so we can communicate, we teach math so that we can understand our society and frankly so we can tell each other how much something is/was….

 

Send me some good Karma, prayers, positive thoughts, whatever!! I need to get worked out……………

S

The date is nearing….

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *beats head on table* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

What a great opening, huh?

Wellp, the big moving date is nearing us. I find myself excited to be moving home to GA but honestly, WV has grown on me. It’s gonna be a hard move. I have found that the older I get, the less of an adaptable creature I become. *maybe this is evolutions way of riding the world of old people???) When we moved here from GA, I had problems leaving my family but not “leaving” per se. Now, I am having an incredibly hard time wanting to leave this place regardless of the fact it’s closer to family and friends.

Perhaps part of my reluctance is because I am leaving with my thesis unfinished? I have not been able to touch the thing in MONTHS and this is really upsetting me. I have the responsibility of not only taking care of the baby but packing the entire household (aside from hubby’s office), cleaning the house, doing the daily things, trying to find time to do the thesis, not being able to sleep, and whatever else falls on my head because the boy thinks all he has to do is go to work.  He is truly a great and wonderful man but can be very selfish. *SIGH*

I honestly need a vacation. WITH A NANNY!

My brain just totally flat lined here……………………………………………………………………………

So far I have almost everything packed away. There are a few odds and ends that I need to get in boxes… I need to get boxes come to think of… Why is it that the little things are the things that take the longest to box ??? I have a drawer in the kitchen that is the “junk drawer” and for the life of me, I can’t decide how to pack it up. Or how do you pack blankets?  I mean honestly. It’s not like I haven’t done this before. Is it the lack of sleep that has made me into a walking puddle of stupid? Me hopes so.

The place we are moving to in GA seems to be OK. I really do not have an opinion on it ATM. All I can say is that it is UGLY and HOT. It looks like the “swampy” parts of a beach that has lost it’s water;leaving behind nothing but scrubs and sand. The hot part I don’t mind so much it just really worries me with my angel baby. Everyone says she’ll get used to it… Maybe but until then, I DO NOT CARE THAT SHE WILL GET USED TO IT! It’s the time in between her adapting and not being adapted that worries me.

I do not want to have to start a new program but I am going to. I won’t touch on this topic as it uncovers more things I need to get off my chest but want to have a good day to day so I will leave all those things buried for now.

*SIGH*

S

What’s wrong with me??

Just a side note: Forks Washington has 131 days of sunshine… Morgantown, WV has 133…. NOT much difference except in temperature.

Ok.. so it’s been awhile, yes? My life as of late has consisted of sitting for hours in front of a stupid computer working on stupid masculinity CRAP! (yes, the thesis) I mean honestly…. so what, your stuff is different from mine but buddy, you want what I got I want what you got… can’t we come to an agreement to respect each other? Because frankly one with out the other is kinda boring! Is it really so hard to under stand why women are leaving their men for other women?? It’s not all a mans fault he acts the way he does either… Get over it ladies, your at fault too. Help them know it is ok to be caring, affectionate, loving, devoted, and still be seen as manly… Yes my fellow chics, we are the makers of our own misery.

Misery… Speaking of.. So yeah… I decided after the surprise of my BEAUTIFUL AMAZING LOVING GOD GAVE TO ME TO SAVE ME daughter, that I wanted no more children for a very long time… if ever…

So, what’s the point to this ramble you ask? There are at least 5 women that I know that have had or are going to have either their first or their 2nd child… I gave deserving congratulations and was super excited that it was not me having another baby. However, today, I found out that one of my very good friends is expecting her 3 baby. I found out and i bawled like a baby. I was grief stricken. I mean… I really don’t understand it. At that point I was so sad that I Can’t have another baby, or at least right now because of current life situations. So does this mean that I want more children now and have been kidding myself about it? Or is it because I’m pissed at life due to the circumstances I am in?

I look at my BEAUTIFUL LOVING AMAZING GOD GAVE TO ME TO SAVE ME daughter and wonder if I’ll ever love anything as much as her but I’ve always wanted more children. I HATE being pregnant and there are other reasons that  I do not dare post for fear of “eyes” reading this… I was in a word, extremely surprised by my reaction.

Life *shrug*.

Morning Coffee

I am sitting here staring at a this page wanting to write but at the same time not wanting to write.

That was all of 10 minutes ago.

In the last two weeks or so I decided I would give my worry to God and know that he would take care of me. At least I thought I did.

Any one that knows me knows that I am a very sensitive person. I cry easily at others hardships, I get my feelings hurt if someone teases to harshly, I try to never say anything mean to others. I want to set a Christian example and obey God and to give my daughter a “road map” as to how she should behave.

Over these supposed “surrendered weeks” I have grown to be extremely sensitive, edgy, anxious, and emotional. Although I wanted to turn my worry and hardship over to God, I realized that I had not. I was still worrying about things that I could not change, worrying about the move that we are about to make, the guilt of continuing my education instead of trying to pursue a job, and the state of my thesis. Even now when I think of all these things, I get the familiar pang of “oh, gosh what are we going to do”.

I have been trying to read Guideposts daily guidepost books on a daily basis to help keep my faltering faith on track . I have been dealing with spiritual issues for the last couple  years and this year has become a very hard year for me. I  have tried to put it into words so that I can explain it and even understand it better. I suppose my problem is how can someone say they follow Christ but their actions are the total opposite of what Christ taught? I feel myself needing answers that are composed of more than “because I said so”.  I know that somethings do have to be taking with an understanding of faith but there are things that I feel HAVE a historical/Social connotation to them and need to find out how these things apply to my life at this point in time.  Any way, for those who have never picked up a Guidepost, the entries are dated and start off with a Bible verse and are followed by “testimonials”  from individuals and end with a small prayer.

Let me share the verses that I have read for the following days:

Return. O My Soul, to your rest: For the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. Psalm 116:7

May he give you the desire of your heart and make all you plans succeed. Psalm 20:4

So do not worry, saying : What shall we eat? Or What shall we drink? Or what shall we wear? For the pagans run after all these things, and  your Heavenly Father knows that you need them. Matthew 6:31-32

WHEN I AM AFRAID, I WILL TRUST IN YOU. Psalm 56:3

Is there a recurring theme?

Sitting and readin this morning, I knew that my extreme sensitivity was due to nothing more than me worring about things that I can’t change or control. I keep telling myself that I have to worry over these things, I can’t walk around life not worring about things that are important. BUT I guess the phiolsophy that I need to take is that do what you have to do to prepare for the situation, do what is nessisary to accomplish goals, and KNOW that God will take care of  us. Half the battle in life is learing to trust, obey, and listen. I don’t know how much louder God could have been screaming at me to let go of my fears and worry. I know that I will not be able to let them go totally but this is my flaw and I must work on it. I will try each day to trust a little more in God and to know that he will take care of me and my family.

I am reminded of this every day. No matter what situation my family has been in, everything always works out: our move to WV, the birth of our daughter, the fact my husband was able to get a job… We are blessed!!!!

Newness

SOOOO…. It’s been a long time, huh?

There has been a lot of changes since the last post. The emotional sentiment posted in the last post is pretty much the same.  We went through a week of extreme stress and chaos and although it has settled down a bit, the stress is still there and chaos is soon to follow.

The boy had 3 on campus interviews: 2 in GA and one in WV. He took one in GA! I am super excited to be getting back home. We will be 3/4 hours from our family, depending on traffic and there will be 4 def hours from our good buddies.  We will also be an hour from the very first place we lived when we got married many moons ago, Macon Ga. This excites me to no end as many of my “undergrad” friends are still there and they are the folks I keep up with the most. AND there’s the Cherry Blossom festival that goes on every year that I have dearly missed.  I am hoping that Columbus proves to be as dearly loved as Macon was. The weather there is similar to Macon and I LOVED IT. I LOVED everything about Macon… Well almost everything but what I didn’t love had nothing to do with Macon, it had to do with situations that were very difficult for me to deal with. Being that close to those situations again makes me edgy.

Any way, I am starting to feel pretty stressed and scared about this move. There are so many things to consider when moving. For one, we now have my sweet precious angel baby. I have to find a SAFE/GOOD/CLEAN place for her to stay during the day while I am working and going to school (PLEASE GOD LET ME GET IN). We have to find a safe place to live that we can afford. We have to move and moving with DH is like falling into hell. On top of all this, I have to work my ass off to get my thesis done.

GAH…

That is something that annoys me to no end. I can’t put all the blame on my chair as there have been issues that have come up in my life that have kept me from being able to finish up things but his inability to get back to me about meeting times/paper comments is ridiculous. A MONTH to get back to me about a 4 page memo… COME ON MAN READ THE CRAP AND TELL ME WHAT YA THINK! It’s hard for me to complain to him too. He has kept me floating in the program and has gone to bat for me thousands of times… SO I guess I have to suck it up and go on and work my arse off!

I need a cuddle…

And then of course when I start feeling like this, I tend to get really irritated with my mother. All these feelings are not her fault but they are feelings that I associate with her because of the way I grew up. She usually elicited the feelings when I was growing up so now I equate them  to her as an adult.  It’s good that I know this so I can deal with it appropriately and grow personally.

I need therapy…

I need girl time…

I need to feel close to my husband…

I HATE FEELING INSECURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really hate it when other people pass judgment on me when they have no room too. For example. I had to go into a graduate program that funded me. Boy said I HAD to or I couldn’t go, thus I took soc. I was accepted to the Education program here in WV but they didn’t offer money so I had to turn it down. So I took Soc  planning to finish MA and get PhD …  DH finishes his PhD and that means that I have to go to work too… Does this make sense? Was this part of our plan?? The entire time he was “Supporting” my goal to get PhD… he was lying. So when baby came I decided that I would go into ed and get a degree/certification to teach so that I can be with my baby girl as often as I possibly could and could start working asap. I’d get pretty good pay and benefits. Hubby didn’t like this idea for a while but pretended to support me.  He was super mad at me because unless I went into Social work ( a job that I am not cut out to do) my Soc degree was a waste of time and money (direct quote from DH).

He and his grandmother both let me know that I was acting just like his uncle (didn’t graduate from PhD program and was kicked out of university, never had a real job before and he’s in his 40’s so decides to go into Ed to teach math) HOW THE F does that describe me?? I’ve always worked, I have completed EVERY degree I have set out to complete or will have completed them all. Unless I am to work at Wal-Mart with an MA, then I have to get a degree to teach.

I get pissed off at the “yes, I support you and what a good job you’ve done” to my face and then “you worthless lout, you better get a job because you’re wasting money”.  If DH had decided to do this, he would have been met with TOTAL support from all sides, no questions asked.  *SIGH*

I am tired of carrying around guilt. For once I want to feel like I have a say in my life and that I am not the cause of stress or burden. *SIGH*

Done….

eh..

I feel completely and utterly drained today. I just had to get that out.

Live like you are dying

I have developed an unnatural clingyness to my baby brother and sister.  As kids we didn’t get a long very well. I attribute this in part to the fact my mom and dad HAD to work, so as the eldest child… I had to stay at home and “watch” them. All this aside, I think that my brother and I have some kind of psychic connection.

A couple days ago I was sitting in our modest little car waiting on my boy to get off work and happened to catch Tim McGraw’s “Live Like You Were Dying” on the radio. I usually don’t listen to country but for some reason that day I did. The day had been kinda weird to begin with. We’ve been under a lot of stress and pressure waiting on job responses so we’d know where we will be this coming fall, writing our respective documents, *GAG* daycare. But I wasn’t “feeling” it like I normally do. I’d pushed it all under so far that I refused to feel it. *not healthy I know*

As I sat there listening to this song, I started to bawl. I try to live every day like it is my last. I like material things but don’t hold on to money as though it is the only thing to live for and don’t cry over things  I “want”. I get more joy out of hearing from family and my close friends than I do a new handbag. I could sit all day long and hold my daughter or play with her. Although, my boy and I have some pretty rough spots, I adore him and never go a day without touching him.  I have gone through things in my life that have made me realize how delicate and how passing life is. I love with all I am and am extremely tender of other people’s feelings.

The song made me stop and think of all the things I have in my life that beyond amazing.  I sat and thought of all the ways I have been blessed. I have food, nice clothing, jewelry,… My FAMILY has more than enough. Everything always seems to work out this way. It makes me sad for those people who get caught up in things that don’t matter. Why would you wait to live until you “started to die”? Why wait to tell someone you love them until you might lose them? Why wait to praise God for being faithful? Why not help make someone Else’s day better?

I have never asked God to give us “money” or even dreamed of having more than what I have had at the time.  Sadly, recently I found myself fantasizing about winning the lottery or wondering what it would be like to not have to worry about money and bills. But you know what, I wouldn’t be me. I wouldn’t appreciate the things I have in my life if I had everything taken care of for me.

Then I started to think about all the people in my life. I have a pretty big family and each of those people have held a specific place. My grandmother had a cancer scare last summer. I thought I was going to lose her. She and I , like my brother and me, have a connection. I promised I’d never take her for granted again… I haven’t called her in a couple weeks *Hangs head in shame*.  God and God alone brought her safely out of her operation and the scare. Just as he did when my siblings wrecked their cars. My sister rear ended someone and my brother T boned someone. My sister, I was O.K. about. Scared, yes… But my Gosh… when I found out that my brother got hurt… I cried. I couldn’t help it… I cried.  I knew he was O.K. but my heart broke.  I guess because I moved away from home at 18 and missed watching my sister and brother grow up has made me feel guilty. I wasn’t able to go to the hospital when he had to go. I didn’t get to go to his honors ceremony for HS. I wasn’t there when he got his first car. I wasn’t able to watch my sister get her first college degree. I feel that I haven’t been able to love them like I should be able to. I worry that they don’t know how much I love them. (This goes for all those in my life as I can be kind of reserved about things)

The reason I say mi hermono y yo are connected is because after we got home that afternoon he had posted something about how his car wreck made him feel and how he had been thinking about dying. He decided that there is a “bucket’ he wants to “fill” before he considers being ready to die. I think this is a wonderful idea. I think if more people set aside time to decide what is important to them and how they want to live before they die or start dying, we might have a better world. If people wouldn’t wait to live until they are dying or lived like they were, would we see a change in the way we treat each other? Would divorce rates go down? Would our economy be as bad as it is now? *THANK YOU JESUS MY BOY HAS A JOB* *GOING HOME TO GA GOING HOME TO GA* What would our world be like if we appreciated things in the here and now and not in the then and to late?